09/15/05 Guerilla Interview Subject: Jill G

The Nectar of the gods is no match for the iron palate of Ms. Jill G

Just a little background on Jill up there. She works in casting on the west coast. Her Friendster profile says so. I met Jill like I met so many people in college, at the University Union office. She was an impressionable underclass(wo)men member of UUTV and I was the senior co-coordinator of UU Concerts. We spent many a day conversing on the couch of the UU office and making fun of videos on CTN by such acts as Canadian white pop soul stalwarts Souldecision as well as the Barenaked Ladies, Nine Days, and Three Doors Down. This was the soul basis of our friendship and our bond was a strong one. One day, I graduated from Syracuse University and moved to New York, leaving me to wonder what would become of this friendship built on the premise of ridicule. When Jill graduated all that remained of the time we spent together was an IM name and the magic of technology’s ability to connect people instantly whilst being miles away. It is that technology that brought us to today, September 15th 2005. When I first IM’d Jill this afternoon it was with only the intention of asking what she was up to, as I was sitting bored at home. After the first few sentences I realized that this conversation had guerrilla interview potential, so I went for the jugular. Was it worth it? I think it was, but I’ll allow you, the readers of evankessler.com to be the judge of that. Now without further ado, the return of the evankessler.com guerrilla interview.

Evan Kessler: Hello. I noticed you're online. I'm online too

Jill G: We have something in common. How are you?

EK: I am okay.

JG: Where are you?

EK: I’m in cyberspace. Creepy right?

JG: Voyeur.

EK: I'm watching you type, you're using your hands, I can see everything.

JG: How did you know !!??

EK: Help me out here for a second...If I'm referring to myself in the third person, that means I'm saying my name right?

JG: Yes.

JG: Like, Jill loves to eat sushi.

JG: Mmm, does Jill love that sushi.

EK: How does it feel to be such a grammarian?

JG: Amazingly enlightened.

EK: Where is Grammaria?

JG: Somewhere just north of Saskatchewan. It’s a bit cold there, but nice nonetheless.

EK: Is it next to that new Canadian province of Nunnavut.

JG: Yes. You know the area.

EK: Lots of Eskimos….or Inuits sorry, that’s politically incorrect of me.

JG: I think they like to be called “little people”. Haha.

EK: Is that where little people come from? I don’t mean to offend any little people who may be reading this. Is that where midgets come from?

JG: Yes, midgets not lilliputians. People often confuse the two.

EK: Good, I’m glad we’ve got that straightened out.

JG: One sec… ok sorry. Apparently I have work to do. So I’ve gots to go.

EK: Have you ever played pinochle?

JG: Oh my god, we were just talking about this last night. What are the chances that twice in 24 hours, Pinochle is brought up?

EK: Pretty good, pinochle is all the rage?

JG: Is it making a comeback? Oh no, have to go. Ok, bye.

EK: I’ve never played but I was wondering if you could summarize the rules in one sentence.

(at this point Jill signed off and I had left the interview for dead. Several hours later after dinner I noticed that Jill was online again and made my move to finish what I had started.)

EK: I was wondering if you could summarize the rules of pinochle in one sentence or more or less.

JG: Actually I have no idea how to play.

EK: That’s good enough for me.

JG: I was actually wondering if YOU could summarize the rules.

EK: There’s a deck of cards and you play pinochle.

JG: And there are no cards with numbers except for 10’s. That’s all I know.

EK: That’s more than I know. There. We’ve satisfied our relentless thirst for the rules and regulations of pinochle.

JG:I believe that pinochle is a game invented by westerners- a liberated, democratic game…in which you are given two card options, red and black…and are forced to choose among them and whoever ends up with the Ace of Spades, wins.

EK: I think this is too much information.

JG:…unless of course the Ace of Diamonds is voted in, in which case you win. Go tit?

EK: I want to know on a more abstract level.

JG: Haha. Got tit? I meant to say got it?

EK: Yes I have two. I got it.

JG: Maybe you have mine then. They’ve been missing for years.

EK: That’s fascinating. Do you mind if I use your friendster photo in a non-friendster related way?

JG: What for? Which one?

EK: Wait, before we get to that, How has evankessler.com changed your life?

JG: The one where I look like white trash, or the other one where I look like white trash?

EK: Either or, but answer the question I just asked.

JG: I have actually checked myself into rehab and adopted two Nigerian children as a result of evankessler.com. But I have also killed two innocent people for no good reason but, you know, life isn’t perfect.

EK: That is inspiring and frightening at the same time.

JG: So what do you want to use my Friendster picture for?

EK: For this.

JG: Oh, testimonials?

EK: wait for it…

EK: wait for it…

JG: I’m WAITING.

EK: (in huge print, accidentally) Thank you for taking part in the www.evankessler.com Guerilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

EK: Sorry I have no idea what I just did.

JG: I believe you just sent me an ad, a rudimentary one at that.

EK: Indeed, but an ad nonetheless

JG: But I have enjoyed your interview nonetheless.

EK: Well thank you, it’s been about a year since I’ve done one and I feared I’d be rusty. However, perhaps I was at the top of my game because you did not suspect for a second despite all of my bizarre inquiries on pinochle.

JG: Actually, I believe I may have been the victim of a previous guerrilla interview.

EK: By who? When?

JG: You wouldn’t know him unless you were friends with my previous crack dealer.

EK: Fair enough. Well this has been simply lovely. This is where we can end the interview but we can talk normally from this point on.

JG: Wait, you ended the interview with my crack dealer?


THE END

If you’ve missed the previous www.evankessler.com guerrilla interviews with Michael Haigh, Poingly, Lauren H, or Adam Starling, just click on their name and you will be whisked away to the magical world of their respective archived guerrilla interviews.

Also if you would like to know the likes and dislikes of Marissa B click on her name and you will be immersed in the wonder that is Marissa (this is currently a defunct link but I’m thinking about covertly sneaking it back on unbeknownst to Ms. B)

12/01/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Rob G

A fairly intense Rob sings Karaoke through his microphone bracelet.

I met Rob G through a mutual friend at a showing of Dumb and Dumber in 1994 and for better or for worse we’ve been friends ever since. We even survived a year stint as Sophomore year roommates at Syracuse University. Rob currently does something for Sony Music and he’s also an illustrator. Rob was not notified prior to this interview. It was my intention to catch him off guard so I conducted it via instant messager. Did I? Not really but you be the judge. Oh yeah, and I haven’t done this in a long time so my interview skills were a bit rusty but what can you do? So without further ado, I bring you another installment of The EvanKessler.com Guerrilla Interview.

EK: Say something edgy and provocative.

RG: When I'm at a fancy restaurant, I like to order quickly and to the point. If its an app I'm looking for - I always get some Shrimp Cock

EK: So, that's it. You just shortened the word cocktail to be edgy. I'm looking to be provoked by your edginess

RG: hmm

EK: I'm waiting.

RG: our president is an arrogant cokehead?

EK: That's not really that edgy. Half the country hates the president.

EK: Pretend this is an audition...dazzle me!

RG: hmm

EK: this seems to be quite a task. You are extremely unprepared. What is the furthest thing from your mind right now?

RG: bunnies

EK: good, now what about bunnies?

RG: they are pink and furry

EK: Where do you find pink bunnies?

RG: at cvs during easter time

EK: Fair enough. Magical Fantasyland would have been an acceptable answer as well

RG: sure

EK: Who is your biggest influence and why?

RG: Bono.

RG: He's saving the world and learning to speak spanish!

EK: one number at a time

RG: yeah, and skipping over those unimportant ones, like 4,5,6,etc

EK: That's a good answer though. I thought you were going to say Dr. Phil

RG: I fucking hate Dr. Phil

EK: Everyone's entitled to their own opinion of television people.
RG: Can we continue this exchange in a few minutes? I have a meeting.

RG: Should be back in 15

RG: Ok?
EK: sure

(30 Minutes later)

RG: Ok!

RG: I’m here!

RG: Lets go!

EK: The world does not stop and start at your convenience

RG: Ok!

RG: but lets go

EK: Ok, you're on.

EK: If you could sleep with 3 celebrities who would you sleep with?

RG: I have a very awesome girlfriend, so I don't want to sleep with any one else.

RG: But if you twist my arm...

RG: Kristen Kreuk

RG: uhm...

EK: You are so whipped.

RG: F U

EK: This isn't a faith test, just a simple question.

RG: That girl from 'the girl next door'

RG: and 24

RG: and Old School

RG: I dont know her name

EK: Elisha Cuthbert.

RG: Yes!

RG: Indeed!

RG: and finally...

EK: Stop padding the content with extra lines

RG: I'm just thinking dick.

EK: Well think in your mind, not on screen.

EK: Your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile. "Permission granted."

RG: Beyonce.

EK: Ouch!

EK: I thought you'd go for a hetero man crush with the third one.

RG: Yeah

RG: I was thinking of throwing in Triumph the insult dog

EK: Well you can always sleep with a puppet if you so desire.Would you say my interview skills are rusty?

RG: Yeah. They stink.

EK: Fair enough. How has evankessler.com changed your life?

RG: It’s made my days brighter, my nights darker and my coffee sweeter. It’s opened me up to a whole new world of visually bland, content driven bloggery

EK: Well, I take that as a compliment. Do superheroes look out for the common good by protecting the public from murderers and thieves, or do they just go after supercriminals with funny names and extra arms?

RG: Superheroes go after all criminals. Super powered or mortal.

EK: I wholeheartedly disagree. Thank you for participating in the www.evankessler.com guerrilla interview where the interviewee starts suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed

RG: Haha, Thanks.

EK: You knew the whole time didn't you.

RG: Also, my real idol is Chris Farley.

RG: The Bono thing was just a joke.

EK: Whatever.

RG: I knew after the 2nd question. I'm not so quick.

EK: Quick enough Rob, quick enough. Thank you for your time

RG: Thank you evankessler.com


THE END

7/19/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Mike H

Mike gives a half ass Macauley Culkin impression.

So here’s the skinny on Mike H. He’s an Associate Producer on VH1’s I Love The 90’s. He’s 24 years old and he’s a former College Basketball player who led his conference in scoring until he blew his knee out. Ok, so I made that last bit up. Mike is currently growing a mustache for no apparent reason other than he thinks its funny and depending on who you talk to, to guarantee that he doesn’t get laid. Other than that he’s a swell guy. Just a little fair warning on this interview, some of the material may not be suitable for the fragile mind. I have to admit though, it is not one of my best interviews, not because of the interviewee. I sort of started the interview then realized I wasn’t in the mood to do an interview but then sort of kept at it. And I never got to ask the pivotal questions of how evankessler.com had changed the subject’s life. Oh well, que ser sera. So without further ado, the evankessler.com interview of Mike Haigh.

Evan Kessler: Penny for your thoughts?

Mike H: babies taste delicious

EK: So when did you first discover your cannibalistic tendencies?

MH: when i used to suck my thumb as a baby, the taste never really left my mouth, even as i grew older..

MH: mmm baby

EK: I could see how that's possible. I still pick my nose and eat it, but never really developed the taste for the nasal waste of others

MH: yeah, everybody loves the taste of their own brand, but there's just something about a baby that isn't related.

EK: Where do you hunt your prey?

MH: on weekends i'm a NY certified daycare worker. It's really much easier than you'd expect. I also lived in NJ for a while and was a foster parent, they have a very lax foster parenting department.

EK: Is there always room for Jell-O?

MH: don't you know it! unless you do your shopping with one of those carry around baskets, and the jello is the last thing you go for, and you've already picked up a lot of stuff. Then there isn't usually enough room for Jello-O.

MH: boxes are bulky

EK: Wouldn't that contradict the slogan though?

MH: ah, i see you're thinking outside the box. way to go. Don't be fooled by Madison Avenue

EK: I just spilled water on my pants how do you think that will effect me in the coming minutes?

MH: you may feel damp and uncomfortable for a short period of time. But will pass, and you'll be back to being your dry and uncomfortable self

MH: but that's why i tolerate you. you're dry like the sahara

EK: I'm sort of hoping I don't get ridiculed for urinating on myself. I heard you still wet the bed constantly, is this true?

MH: Ah, i see you've been talking to Stacey. Don't ever trust stacey with secrets that might ruin your street cred.

MH: let's just say i really like the feel of rubber sheets

EK: Stacey who?

MH: a girl i know

MH: you've probably met her.

EK: oh, i thought you were referring to #81 Stacey Robinson former Wide Receiver for the New York Giants

MH: i don't follow soccer. sorry.

EK: What's your favorite Air Supply song?

MH: i don't believe in Air Supply. Actually i can't think of any their songs right now

EK: They're the same as Chicago, What's your favorite Chicago song?

MH: the one about the hotel in california that the Eagles sing

EK: This interview is falling flat, pretend you're jesus and resurrect it.

MH: i'm drinking Crunk right now. it's really good. and i don't use the word really often

EK: I'm sensing this is a fraudulent interview

(It was at this point that I thought Mike was having someone else answer my questions, but I was soon proven wrong and rescinded the accusation).

MH: i can turn the vowels "a" and "i" into wine and bread. You bring the cheese and we'll have a Viva la France party

EK: strike that last remark

MH: www.evankessler.com is the premier blogspot on the internet. and you can take that to the bank!

EK: You've got that right.

MH: i spelled premiere wrong though didn't I

EK: Back to the word crunk, what other words should be used more often?

EK: My vote is for Bangladesh

MH: mustache, inebriated, mozzarepa, zing, buffoon, baboon, and the spanish word for pencil sharpener - sacapunta

EK: If we could sort of work that into a verb

EK: Okay, here's a fun game, I'm going to say something in spanish, you give me your first response, ready?

MH: ready

EK: Estoy Sorprendido!

MH: I am a serpent!

EK: You could be

EK: I can't see you

MH: if I tried hard enough

EK: I'm bored

MH: dance a jig

MH: I always find that makes me less bored

EK: I think I'm just going to pour the rest of the water on my pants and call it a day

MH: or if we were in the world of nintendo dancing a jig would make you wa-bored

MH: sounds like a plan

MH: just like wario is the opposite of mario, wa-bored is the opposite of bored

EK: Thank you for participating in the www.evankessler.com where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on that they are in fact being interviewed

MH: i love you

EK: I'm not so crazy about you but I'll return the sentiment anyway

EK: I Love You more!!!

MH: i'm blushing and my pants just got really tight

EK: Good day sir.

MH: good day to you

EK: That was so-so. I may or may not use it.

MH: you better. it was gold

FIN

7/05/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Jason G (a.k.a Poingly)

Poingly shows off his untalent in Avril Lavigne regalia
but with the wrong color hair.


Just who is Jason G and why does he warrant a guerrilla interview? Well, I can’t really answer the latter question but I can tell you who he is. Jason G. works for CMJ and before that he did other things. I know him from college where we spent much time in the University Union office. He spent some time as the director of free form college radio station WERW at Syracuse University. At night this mild mannered manboy becomes untalented musician/performance artist and general trainwreck, Poingly. He dresses up like Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, or Karen O and writhes on the floor screaming and forces people to pull on the strings of those childrens toys that tell you what sounds animals make (i.e. “a cow goes moo.”). He tongue kisses women and men and hands out “I fucked Poingly” buttons. Quite the marketing tool if you ask me. Overall, he’s a swell guy. So without further ado, the next installment of the www.evankessler.com Guerrilla interview.


Evan K: Hello

Jason G: Hey

EK: What would you say makes you so versatile?

JG:I would say I'm probably not all that versatile, I just fool people into thinking I am by doing several variations on one theme.

EK: What theme is that?

JG: Being annoying. There are many ways to be annoying.

EK: Would you say you've mastered a majority of them?

JG: If I was to be honest and humble, then I'd say, no...but it's more annoying to be an arrogant asshole, so yes, I know more about being an annoying jerk than anybody.

EK:Wow, you are an arrogant asshole!

JG: I try. I have good inspiration, like George Bush.

EK: You amaze me with your arrogant assholeness.

JG: Thank you

EK: If pigs were able to fly, what would people replace "when pigs fly" with to say that something would never happen?

JG: Probably something vulgar, like "yeah, when my shit flies out of my ass and into your mouth," or something like that.

EK: And on top of that, if pigs were flying, do you think everything that someone said would happen "when pigs fly" would simultaneously occur?

EK: I see you're thinking about this one.

JG: No, people don't stick to their convictions anymore. Not to mention all the dead people who have said it that are now incapable of doing many things they claimed they would do...but their zombies might do those things. Zombies are good about things like that.

EK: Ok, you've made me lose interest.

JG: I think that answer was worth the wait.

EK: Spell Forgery

JG: ummm...Forgery

EK: But with hyphens in between the letters. That way it looks like you're spelling it.

JG: F-O-G-E-R-Y

JG: Oh, shit look what you made me do. I'm a moron!

EK: Wow, we've just learned a lot about Jason Glastetter.

JG: I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.

EK: Well, but I got the right person.

JG: No, Jason is not here right now

EK: Sounds great.

EK: What kind of an impact do you see Poingly making in the next 3 to 5 minutes?

JG: I see myself breaking something, maybe my microphone stand.

EK: Out of rage or boredom?

JG: Both.

EK: What Poingly song do you expect to be your first #1 single?

JG: Probably a song I haven't written yet.

EK: That's a shame. Maybe you should get to writing some more songs, you'll have more #1 singles

JG: Or the one I'm working on for Britney Spears, but that's a secret project I can't talk about.

EK: Would you consider yourself talented?

JG: No

EK: Good, that's the answer I was fishing for.

EK: How do you feel about Evan Kessler?

JG: He should put out more. Other than that, I have no complaints.

EK: Your complaint is duly noted.

EK: How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

JG: It keeps me informed regularly of Evan Kessler activities; you really can't beat that.

EK: Why weren't you at Evan Kessler's 4th of July Barbecue?

JG: I was popping pills in an alley behind a Wal*Mart in New Haven.

EK: That's no excuse.

JG: True, it doesn't answer why, it only answers where
and what.

EK: An acceptable excuse would've been. "I didn't want to go because I'm an arrogant asshole."

JG: Ok, yeah, roll with that one, I like it.

EK: And on that note, thank you for participating in the www.evankessler.com guerrilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

EK: You are awfully uninteresting and hella arrogant.

JG: Thank you, you're welcome.

FIN

Foiled Guerrilla Interview

I was waiting for a tape to be ready to bring to our mixing session for I Love 1992 around 5:59 this evening. I thought the tape might take awhile so I decided that while I had a little time I would conduct a guerrilla interview with my friend Jason Haitkin. Unfortunately for me I got a phone call about 4 minutes later notifying me that the tape I was awaiting was ready and that I'd have to cut the interview short, rendering this attempt at an interview an utter failure. As a result I will not post it on the interview section as it is incomplete and never really reaches a high point. I don't blame this on Mr. Haitkin. I blame it on my own poor planning. If you're wondering who Jason is. Here's a little background. Jason works for the Fuse network. We interned at VH1 together and sat across from each other as PA's. He's always brutally honest and figured he'd be a really funny interview but alas my shoddy planning skills killed it. Here is the interview up until that point where it collapsed. There will be another guerrilla interview up shortly. But I'm not going to tell you when, that's just what you'd be expecting.

Jason Haitkin shows off his favorite finger.

Evan Kessler: So when did you first realize it was 5:59 on Thursday

Jason Haitkin: in one minute from now according to my computer

Evan Kessler: and how did that make you feel?

Jason Haitkin: like you're talking to me from the future

Evan Kessler: And as a representative from the future is there anything you'd like to ask me?

Jason Haitkin: Yes, I can't get my flux capacitor to work, what am I doing wrong?

Evan Kessler: You're not in a Delorean doing 88mph

Jason Haitkin: Oh

Jason Haitkin: I see

Jason Haitkin: Is this one of those guerilla interviews for your website?

Evan Kessler: it could be

Jason Haitkin: Interesting

Evan Kessler: but seeing as I am about to leave work it could be an abbreviated one

Jason Haitkin: I see

Jason Haitkin: Well then shouldn't you be doing work related things before you leave?

Evan Kessler: interesting

Jason Haitkin: quite

Evan Kessler: it would be too abbreviated though to put on the website, maybe I'll get you later

Evan Kessler: it started off promising

Jason Haitkin: alrighty then

Evan Kessler: foiled again

Evan Kessler: maybe I'll have a not-so guerrilla interview later

Jason Haitkin: If it wasn't for that meddling work ethic of yours

Evan Kessler: indeed, but I figured 5:58 was a good time to catch you off guard

Jason Haitkin: Especially since you said it was 5:59 and claimed to be from the future

Evan Kessler: anyway, i have to go. Note to self, whenever doing a guerrilla interview, make sure to have time to do the interview
Jason Haitkin: right
Jason Haitkin: till next time

06/23/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Lauren H

Lauren carries some dude on her back.

Lauren H is a fiery redheaded lass who attended the University of Texas- Austin,
whom I met at my friend Rich M’s parties when he first started having parties in the city.
We became friendly immediately despite all of my desperate advances towards her. I’m not really sure what she does for a living. I’m sure she’s told me and I’m sure it involves things. This interview was done over email so it wasn’t really as quick moving as the previous, but that’s not my fault. Email is infinitely slower than IM and it also reveals who is sending you a message so my cover was not well disguised. In fact, it was not disguised at all. So without further ado, the second installment of The EvanKessler.com Guerrilla interview.


Evan: Why do you do it?

Lauren: I have to. I must. I am compelled by my love of all things composed of matter.

Evan: What do you think I'm referring to when I say “it”?

Lauren: Not that it matters, but I thought you were referring to why I'm so cool.

Evan: I don't think "it" can refer to why one person is so cool. I didn't use it in a phrase like What is your "it" factor?”

Lauren: I would apologize, but I think that question was open to thousands of interpretations.

(several minutes pass)

Lauren: Is this the part where you wait for me to say something? Or is it my turn to ask the questions here?

Evan: No, I still have the floor. So, when you said to me on New Year's Eve, "Evan, IT'll never happen". What was the “it” you were referring to?

Lauren: I believe I was referring to stripping my clothes off for your video camera, but I could be wrong.

Evan: So am I to assume that every time I hear the word "it" that "it" means stripping the clothes off in my video?

Lauren: No.

What “It” may have meant.

Evan: Phew! That was a close one. I thought I was going to have to stop saying the word "it" altogether. While we're at it, are there any words you think I should refrain from using altogether?

Lauren: Personally, I hate the word 'agro'. Don't use it.

Evan: Don't worry I wasn't really planning on it. But unless you agree to not use Snoop Dogg language I may bombard you with more "agro" than you can handle.

Lauren: You're safe with me. I couldn't use Snoop Dogg language if i tried.

Evan: Good, so what makes Lauren H tick?

Lauren: I would love to tell you that it's a complex network of veins and arteries powered by a system that converts food into caloric energy, but I would be lying.

Evan: Right, because those are things that human beings have… And you are a what exactly?

Lauren: I am, admittedly human, but I would say that there are other things
besides the physical stuff that makes me tick.

Evan: Sorry that was a little mean. How do you feel about Evan Kessler?

Lauren: I like Evan kessler. He's swell. I'm lucky to have met him.

Evan: Well I’m very flattered, sorry about referring to myself in third person but I had to get an honest answer as though it seemed I was not asking the question.

Evan: Interpret the following lyric: “One of us is a cigar stand and one of us is a lovely blue incandescent guillotine.”

Lauren: Hmmm....Bill talking to Monica?

Evan: Interesting theory, but no. Would you say this interview is going nowhere fast?

Lauren: Nowhere slow is more like it. When did we start this? Like 16 hours ago?

Evan: Probably about 4 hours ago, but its meant to have the appearance of a rapid fire interview.I guess email correspondence isn’t the best way to do this.

Lauren: Let’s try courier pigeons next time.

Evan: I think I might just send telegrams. No one does that anymore.
How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

Lauren: It has filled my life with laughter and joy.

Evan: And Finally, where do you see yourself in 5 years? And where is Evan Kessler in this picture? Is he next to you, Behind you, way in the background, A little to the left, A little to the right, or just completely out of the picture?

Lauren:In five years I might still be doing this interview.and Evan Kessler is all around me, a floating around head in cyber space.

Evan: Well, you have simply been a delight to converse with. Thank you for your patience in taking part in the EvanKessler.com Guerrilla Interview, Where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact, being interviewed.

Lauren: Anytime, baby, anytime.


THE END

06/16/04 Guerilla Interview Subject: Adam Starling

Mr. Starling gives the ladies that come hither look.

Just a little background on Adam Starling, he works on I Love the 90’s at VH1 but I have no idea what his official job title is. He sort of collects tapes and sends official sounding emails with attachments. Okay, that’s enough of that. This interview took place over instant messenger when a unsuspecting Adam fielded questions from a strange instant messenger screen name. He was not notified prior to the actual interview and therefore had no time to prepare, sort of like he was in a soundproof booth. Let’s see what the result was:

Evan Kessler: So I have a few questions I've been dying to ask you

Adam Starling: Fire away, strange Internet person!

Evan Kessler: Why here? Why now?

Adam Starling: Because this is the place, and this is the time.

Adam Starling: Who's this? Evan?

Adam Starling: What's the question?

Evan Kessler: Describe the essence of Adam Starling in 4 sentences or more, or less

Adam Starling: Right... who's this?

Adam Starling: Evan? Yea or nay?

Evan Kessler: si

Adam Starling: Okay.

Adam Starling: So, who am I?

Evan Kessler: yes

Evan Kessler: and why here? why now?

Adam Starling: Adam Starling is the last sane man.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in doing the right thing, except for when the wrong thing seems like too much fun, or when he lacks the moral fiber to resist such temptations, or when the repercussions don't prohibitively outweigh the benefits.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in traditional American ethics and eschews the shallow pursuit of hollow, ultimately meaningless goals.

Evan Kessler: and why does Adam Starling refer to himself in the third person?

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in speaking for posterity and, as such, utilizes the third-person narrative voice in the hopes that his edicts will not one day read as dated. His statements are eternal. So to speak in the first-person.

Adam Starling: Whoop. Cut out those last six-and-a-half words.

Evan Kessler: This is an awful interview, how do you account for that?

Adam Starling: I only give 77%.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling doesn't believe in cliche pep talks or unrealistic goals.

Evan Kessler: Well that's very honest of you and I appreciate you not blaming it on the interviewer's poor preparation

Adam Starling: Honesty is Job 1.

Adam Starling: Oh, no, wait--- Customer Satisfaction is Job 1.

Adam Starling: Shit, no-- I have it backwards.

Adam Starling: Worker Safety is Job 1, Customer Satisfaction is Job 2.

Adam Starling: And Honesty checks in at Job 3.

Adam Starling: So, for what that's worth.

Evan Kessler: Is that why you're always wearing safety goggles at work?

Evan Kessler: Or are those just your nerdy glasses?

Adam Starling: No, that's because my eyes are insured by Lloyd's of London for three-quarter of a million pounds. (I'm a mascara model).

Evan Kessler: Do you find anything funny about the headline "Hand Injures Back"?

Adam Starling: Man... You just blew my mind.

Evan Kessler: Do you think the reason bunnies are part of Easter is because Christ was in fact reincarnated in the body of a bunny?

Adam Starling: No, I happen to know that's bullshit. The real reason is because, as a close reading of Paul's Letter to the Corinthians will reveal, J.C. was more often than not chomping on a carrot when he preached, using it as a prop to emphasize certain points in his parables, wagging it at people when he got off a good zinger and such. You know how it is. People hear you like carrots and they start coming up with tortured "bunny" metaphors. Christ suffered for us.

Evan Kessler: I don't buy that for one second. How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

Adam Starling: Because, to paraphrase the Japanese Admiral Yamamoto upon hearing of the succesful bombing of Pearl Harbor, "...we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve." Be ready for www.adamstarling.com, coming soon.

Evan Kessler: That wasn't a question you could really answer with because, but anyway, one final question. If a tree fell in the woods would Superman hear it? Or would The Flash get there just in time to sort of get underneath it to soften the sound even though he couldn't stop it from falling because he's fast but not strong?

Adam Starling: But hey, if you link to my site, one day, be sure you warn your readers not to check it at work, you know, on account of 95% of it is just various animals getting it on.

Evan Kessler: answer the question

Adam Starling: I don't like taking sides. Either one of those two fellows make for a powerful enemy.

Evan Kessler: Fair enough. Thank you for taking part in the www.evankessler.com Guerilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

Adam Starling: Thank you. It's been harrowing.

Evan Kessler: you are welcome

Adam Starling: Is it over? And why did I have to put on makeup for a print interview?

Evan Kessler: I just like it when you make yourself up nice, that's all.

THE END

If you would like to be interviewed by Evan Kessler for the next installment of this section please email me. Otherwise, be prepared to be unprepared for an EvanKessler.com guerilla interview.