06/23/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Lauren H

Lauren carries some dude on her back.

Lauren H is a fiery redheaded lass who attended the University of Texas- Austin,
whom I met at my friend Rich M’s parties when he first started having parties in the city.
We became friendly immediately despite all of my desperate advances towards her. I’m not really sure what she does for a living. I’m sure she’s told me and I’m sure it involves things. This interview was done over email so it wasn’t really as quick moving as the previous, but that’s not my fault. Email is infinitely slower than IM and it also reveals who is sending you a message so my cover was not well disguised. In fact, it was not disguised at all. So without further ado, the second installment of The EvanKessler.com Guerrilla interview.


Evan: Why do you do it?

Lauren: I have to. I must. I am compelled by my love of all things composed of matter.

Evan: What do you think I'm referring to when I say “it”?

Lauren: Not that it matters, but I thought you were referring to why I'm so cool.

Evan: I don't think "it" can refer to why one person is so cool. I didn't use it in a phrase like What is your "it" factor?”

Lauren: I would apologize, but I think that question was open to thousands of interpretations.

(several minutes pass)

Lauren: Is this the part where you wait for me to say something? Or is it my turn to ask the questions here?

Evan: No, I still have the floor. So, when you said to me on New Year's Eve, "Evan, IT'll never happen". What was the “it” you were referring to?

Lauren: I believe I was referring to stripping my clothes off for your video camera, but I could be wrong.

Evan: So am I to assume that every time I hear the word "it" that "it" means stripping the clothes off in my video?

Lauren: No.

What “It” may have meant.

Evan: Phew! That was a close one. I thought I was going to have to stop saying the word "it" altogether. While we're at it, are there any words you think I should refrain from using altogether?

Lauren: Personally, I hate the word 'agro'. Don't use it.

Evan: Don't worry I wasn't really planning on it. But unless you agree to not use Snoop Dogg language I may bombard you with more "agro" than you can handle.

Lauren: You're safe with me. I couldn't use Snoop Dogg language if i tried.

Evan: Good, so what makes Lauren H tick?

Lauren: I would love to tell you that it's a complex network of veins and arteries powered by a system that converts food into caloric energy, but I would be lying.

Evan: Right, because those are things that human beings have… And you are a what exactly?

Lauren: I am, admittedly human, but I would say that there are other things
besides the physical stuff that makes me tick.

Evan: Sorry that was a little mean. How do you feel about Evan Kessler?

Lauren: I like Evan kessler. He's swell. I'm lucky to have met him.

Evan: Well I’m very flattered, sorry about referring to myself in third person but I had to get an honest answer as though it seemed I was not asking the question.

Evan: Interpret the following lyric: “One of us is a cigar stand and one of us is a lovely blue incandescent guillotine.”

Lauren: Hmmm....Bill talking to Monica?

Evan: Interesting theory, but no. Would you say this interview is going nowhere fast?

Lauren: Nowhere slow is more like it. When did we start this? Like 16 hours ago?

Evan: Probably about 4 hours ago, but its meant to have the appearance of a rapid fire interview.I guess email correspondence isn’t the best way to do this.

Lauren: Let’s try courier pigeons next time.

Evan: I think I might just send telegrams. No one does that anymore.
How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

Lauren: It has filled my life with laughter and joy.

Evan: And Finally, where do you see yourself in 5 years? And where is Evan Kessler in this picture? Is he next to you, Behind you, way in the background, A little to the left, A little to the right, or just completely out of the picture?

Lauren:In five years I might still be doing this interview.and Evan Kessler is all around me, a floating around head in cyber space.

Evan: Well, you have simply been a delight to converse with. Thank you for your patience in taking part in the EvanKessler.com Guerrilla Interview, Where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact, being interviewed.

Lauren: Anytime, baby, anytime.


THE END

06/16/04 Guerilla Interview Subject: Adam Starling

Mr. Starling gives the ladies that come hither look.

Just a little background on Adam Starling, he works on I Love the 90’s at VH1 but I have no idea what his official job title is. He sort of collects tapes and sends official sounding emails with attachments. Okay, that’s enough of that. This interview took place over instant messenger when a unsuspecting Adam fielded questions from a strange instant messenger screen name. He was not notified prior to the actual interview and therefore had no time to prepare, sort of like he was in a soundproof booth. Let’s see what the result was:

Evan Kessler: So I have a few questions I've been dying to ask you

Adam Starling: Fire away, strange Internet person!

Evan Kessler: Why here? Why now?

Adam Starling: Because this is the place, and this is the time.

Adam Starling: Who's this? Evan?

Adam Starling: What's the question?

Evan Kessler: Describe the essence of Adam Starling in 4 sentences or more, or less

Adam Starling: Right... who's this?

Adam Starling: Evan? Yea or nay?

Evan Kessler: si

Adam Starling: Okay.

Adam Starling: So, who am I?

Evan Kessler: yes

Evan Kessler: and why here? why now?

Adam Starling: Adam Starling is the last sane man.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in doing the right thing, except for when the wrong thing seems like too much fun, or when he lacks the moral fiber to resist such temptations, or when the repercussions don't prohibitively outweigh the benefits.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in traditional American ethics and eschews the shallow pursuit of hollow, ultimately meaningless goals.

Evan Kessler: and why does Adam Starling refer to himself in the third person?

Adam Starling: Adam Starling believes in speaking for posterity and, as such, utilizes the third-person narrative voice in the hopes that his edicts will not one day read as dated. His statements are eternal. So to speak in the first-person.

Adam Starling: Whoop. Cut out those last six-and-a-half words.

Evan Kessler: This is an awful interview, how do you account for that?

Adam Starling: I only give 77%.

Adam Starling: Adam Starling doesn't believe in cliche pep talks or unrealistic goals.

Evan Kessler: Well that's very honest of you and I appreciate you not blaming it on the interviewer's poor preparation

Adam Starling: Honesty is Job 1.

Adam Starling: Oh, no, wait--- Customer Satisfaction is Job 1.

Adam Starling: Shit, no-- I have it backwards.

Adam Starling: Worker Safety is Job 1, Customer Satisfaction is Job 2.

Adam Starling: And Honesty checks in at Job 3.

Adam Starling: So, for what that's worth.

Evan Kessler: Is that why you're always wearing safety goggles at work?

Evan Kessler: Or are those just your nerdy glasses?

Adam Starling: No, that's because my eyes are insured by Lloyd's of London for three-quarter of a million pounds. (I'm a mascara model).

Evan Kessler: Do you find anything funny about the headline "Hand Injures Back"?

Adam Starling: Man... You just blew my mind.

Evan Kessler: Do you think the reason bunnies are part of Easter is because Christ was in fact reincarnated in the body of a bunny?

Adam Starling: No, I happen to know that's bullshit. The real reason is because, as a close reading of Paul's Letter to the Corinthians will reveal, J.C. was more often than not chomping on a carrot when he preached, using it as a prop to emphasize certain points in his parables, wagging it at people when he got off a good zinger and such. You know how it is. People hear you like carrots and they start coming up with tortured "bunny" metaphors. Christ suffered for us.

Evan Kessler: I don't buy that for one second. How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

Adam Starling: Because, to paraphrase the Japanese Admiral Yamamoto upon hearing of the succesful bombing of Pearl Harbor, "...we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve." Be ready for www.adamstarling.com, coming soon.

Evan Kessler: That wasn't a question you could really answer with because, but anyway, one final question. If a tree fell in the woods would Superman hear it? Or would The Flash get there just in time to sort of get underneath it to soften the sound even though he couldn't stop it from falling because he's fast but not strong?

Adam Starling: But hey, if you link to my site, one day, be sure you warn your readers not to check it at work, you know, on account of 95% of it is just various animals getting it on.

Evan Kessler: answer the question

Adam Starling: I don't like taking sides. Either one of those two fellows make for a powerful enemy.

Evan Kessler: Fair enough. Thank you for taking part in the www.evankessler.com Guerilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

Adam Starling: Thank you. It's been harrowing.

Evan Kessler: you are welcome

Adam Starling: Is it over? And why did I have to put on makeup for a print interview?

Evan Kessler: I just like it when you make yourself up nice, that's all.

THE END

If you would like to be interviewed by Evan Kessler for the next installment of this section please email me. Otherwise, be prepared to be unprepared for an EvanKessler.com guerilla interview.