7/19/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Mike H

Mike gives a half ass Macauley Culkin impression.

So here’s the skinny on Mike H. He’s an Associate Producer on VH1’s I Love The 90’s. He’s 24 years old and he’s a former College Basketball player who led his conference in scoring until he blew his knee out. Ok, so I made that last bit up. Mike is currently growing a mustache for no apparent reason other than he thinks its funny and depending on who you talk to, to guarantee that he doesn’t get laid. Other than that he’s a swell guy. Just a little fair warning on this interview, some of the material may not be suitable for the fragile mind. I have to admit though, it is not one of my best interviews, not because of the interviewee. I sort of started the interview then realized I wasn’t in the mood to do an interview but then sort of kept at it. And I never got to ask the pivotal questions of how evankessler.com had changed the subject’s life. Oh well, que ser sera. So without further ado, the evankessler.com interview of Mike Haigh.

Evan Kessler: Penny for your thoughts?

Mike H: babies taste delicious

EK: So when did you first discover your cannibalistic tendencies?

MH: when i used to suck my thumb as a baby, the taste never really left my mouth, even as i grew older..

MH: mmm baby

EK: I could see how that's possible. I still pick my nose and eat it, but never really developed the taste for the nasal waste of others

MH: yeah, everybody loves the taste of their own brand, but there's just something about a baby that isn't related.

EK: Where do you hunt your prey?

MH: on weekends i'm a NY certified daycare worker. It's really much easier than you'd expect. I also lived in NJ for a while and was a foster parent, they have a very lax foster parenting department.

EK: Is there always room for Jell-O?

MH: don't you know it! unless you do your shopping with one of those carry around baskets, and the jello is the last thing you go for, and you've already picked up a lot of stuff. Then there isn't usually enough room for Jello-O.

MH: boxes are bulky

EK: Wouldn't that contradict the slogan though?

MH: ah, i see you're thinking outside the box. way to go. Don't be fooled by Madison Avenue

EK: I just spilled water on my pants how do you think that will effect me in the coming minutes?

MH: you may feel damp and uncomfortable for a short period of time. But will pass, and you'll be back to being your dry and uncomfortable self

MH: but that's why i tolerate you. you're dry like the sahara

EK: I'm sort of hoping I don't get ridiculed for urinating on myself. I heard you still wet the bed constantly, is this true?

MH: Ah, i see you've been talking to Stacey. Don't ever trust stacey with secrets that might ruin your street cred.

MH: let's just say i really like the feel of rubber sheets

EK: Stacey who?

MH: a girl i know

MH: you've probably met her.

EK: oh, i thought you were referring to #81 Stacey Robinson former Wide Receiver for the New York Giants

MH: i don't follow soccer. sorry.

EK: What's your favorite Air Supply song?

MH: i don't believe in Air Supply. Actually i can't think of any their songs right now

EK: They're the same as Chicago, What's your favorite Chicago song?

MH: the one about the hotel in california that the Eagles sing

EK: This interview is falling flat, pretend you're jesus and resurrect it.

MH: i'm drinking Crunk right now. it's really good. and i don't use the word really often

EK: I'm sensing this is a fraudulent interview

(It was at this point that I thought Mike was having someone else answer my questions, but I was soon proven wrong and rescinded the accusation).

MH: i can turn the vowels "a" and "i" into wine and bread. You bring the cheese and we'll have a Viva la France party

EK: strike that last remark

MH: www.evankessler.com is the premier blogspot on the internet. and you can take that to the bank!

EK: You've got that right.

MH: i spelled premiere wrong though didn't I

EK: Back to the word crunk, what other words should be used more often?

EK: My vote is for Bangladesh

MH: mustache, inebriated, mozzarepa, zing, buffoon, baboon, and the spanish word for pencil sharpener - sacapunta

EK: If we could sort of work that into a verb

EK: Okay, here's a fun game, I'm going to say something in spanish, you give me your first response, ready?

MH: ready

EK: Estoy Sorprendido!

MH: I am a serpent!

EK: You could be

EK: I can't see you

MH: if I tried hard enough

EK: I'm bored

MH: dance a jig

MH: I always find that makes me less bored

EK: I think I'm just going to pour the rest of the water on my pants and call it a day

MH: or if we were in the world of nintendo dancing a jig would make you wa-bored

MH: sounds like a plan

MH: just like wario is the opposite of mario, wa-bored is the opposite of bored

EK: Thank you for participating in the www.evankessler.com where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on that they are in fact being interviewed

MH: i love you

EK: I'm not so crazy about you but I'll return the sentiment anyway

EK: I Love You more!!!

MH: i'm blushing and my pants just got really tight

EK: Good day sir.

MH: good day to you

EK: That was so-so. I may or may not use it.

MH: you better. it was gold

FIN

7/05/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Jason G (a.k.a Poingly)

Poingly shows off his untalent in Avril Lavigne regalia
but with the wrong color hair.


Just who is Jason G and why does he warrant a guerrilla interview? Well, I can’t really answer the latter question but I can tell you who he is. Jason G. works for CMJ and before that he did other things. I know him from college where we spent much time in the University Union office. He spent some time as the director of free form college radio station WERW at Syracuse University. At night this mild mannered manboy becomes untalented musician/performance artist and general trainwreck, Poingly. He dresses up like Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, or Karen O and writhes on the floor screaming and forces people to pull on the strings of those childrens toys that tell you what sounds animals make (i.e. “a cow goes moo.”). He tongue kisses women and men and hands out “I fucked Poingly” buttons. Quite the marketing tool if you ask me. Overall, he’s a swell guy. So without further ado, the next installment of the www.evankessler.com Guerrilla interview.


Evan K: Hello

Jason G: Hey

EK: What would you say makes you so versatile?

JG:I would say I'm probably not all that versatile, I just fool people into thinking I am by doing several variations on one theme.

EK: What theme is that?

JG: Being annoying. There are many ways to be annoying.

EK: Would you say you've mastered a majority of them?

JG: If I was to be honest and humble, then I'd say, no...but it's more annoying to be an arrogant asshole, so yes, I know more about being an annoying jerk than anybody.

EK:Wow, you are an arrogant asshole!

JG: I try. I have good inspiration, like George Bush.

EK: You amaze me with your arrogant assholeness.

JG: Thank you

EK: If pigs were able to fly, what would people replace "when pigs fly" with to say that something would never happen?

JG: Probably something vulgar, like "yeah, when my shit flies out of my ass and into your mouth," or something like that.

EK: And on top of that, if pigs were flying, do you think everything that someone said would happen "when pigs fly" would simultaneously occur?

EK: I see you're thinking about this one.

JG: No, people don't stick to their convictions anymore. Not to mention all the dead people who have said it that are now incapable of doing many things they claimed they would do...but their zombies might do those things. Zombies are good about things like that.

EK: Ok, you've made me lose interest.

JG: I think that answer was worth the wait.

EK: Spell Forgery

JG: ummm...Forgery

EK: But with hyphens in between the letters. That way it looks like you're spelling it.

JG: F-O-G-E-R-Y

JG: Oh, shit look what you made me do. I'm a moron!

EK: Wow, we've just learned a lot about Jason Glastetter.

JG: I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.

EK: Well, but I got the right person.

JG: No, Jason is not here right now

EK: Sounds great.

EK: What kind of an impact do you see Poingly making in the next 3 to 5 minutes?

JG: I see myself breaking something, maybe my microphone stand.

EK: Out of rage or boredom?

JG: Both.

EK: What Poingly song do you expect to be your first #1 single?

JG: Probably a song I haven't written yet.

EK: That's a shame. Maybe you should get to writing some more songs, you'll have more #1 singles

JG: Or the one I'm working on for Britney Spears, but that's a secret project I can't talk about.

EK: Would you consider yourself talented?

JG: No

EK: Good, that's the answer I was fishing for.

EK: How do you feel about Evan Kessler?

JG: He should put out more. Other than that, I have no complaints.

EK: Your complaint is duly noted.

EK: How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

JG: It keeps me informed regularly of Evan Kessler activities; you really can't beat that.

EK: Why weren't you at Evan Kessler's 4th of July Barbecue?

JG: I was popping pills in an alley behind a Wal*Mart in New Haven.

EK: That's no excuse.

JG: True, it doesn't answer why, it only answers where
and what.

EK: An acceptable excuse would've been. "I didn't want to go because I'm an arrogant asshole."

JG: Ok, yeah, roll with that one, I like it.

EK: And on that note, thank you for participating in the www.evankessler.com guerrilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

EK: You are awfully uninteresting and hella arrogant.

JG: Thank you, you're welcome.

FIN

Foiled Guerrilla Interview

I was waiting for a tape to be ready to bring to our mixing session for I Love 1992 around 5:59 this evening. I thought the tape might take awhile so I decided that while I had a little time I would conduct a guerrilla interview with my friend Jason Haitkin. Unfortunately for me I got a phone call about 4 minutes later notifying me that the tape I was awaiting was ready and that I'd have to cut the interview short, rendering this attempt at an interview an utter failure. As a result I will not post it on the interview section as it is incomplete and never really reaches a high point. I don't blame this on Mr. Haitkin. I blame it on my own poor planning. If you're wondering who Jason is. Here's a little background. Jason works for the Fuse network. We interned at VH1 together and sat across from each other as PA's. He's always brutally honest and figured he'd be a really funny interview but alas my shoddy planning skills killed it. Here is the interview up until that point where it collapsed. There will be another guerrilla interview up shortly. But I'm not going to tell you when, that's just what you'd be expecting.

Jason Haitkin shows off his favorite finger.

Evan Kessler: So when did you first realize it was 5:59 on Thursday

Jason Haitkin: in one minute from now according to my computer

Evan Kessler: and how did that make you feel?

Jason Haitkin: like you're talking to me from the future

Evan Kessler: And as a representative from the future is there anything you'd like to ask me?

Jason Haitkin: Yes, I can't get my flux capacitor to work, what am I doing wrong?

Evan Kessler: You're not in a Delorean doing 88mph

Jason Haitkin: Oh

Jason Haitkin: I see

Jason Haitkin: Is this one of those guerilla interviews for your website?

Evan Kessler: it could be

Jason Haitkin: Interesting

Evan Kessler: but seeing as I am about to leave work it could be an abbreviated one

Jason Haitkin: I see

Jason Haitkin: Well then shouldn't you be doing work related things before you leave?

Evan Kessler: interesting

Jason Haitkin: quite

Evan Kessler: it would be too abbreviated though to put on the website, maybe I'll get you later

Evan Kessler: it started off promising

Jason Haitkin: alrighty then

Evan Kessler: foiled again

Evan Kessler: maybe I'll have a not-so guerrilla interview later

Jason Haitkin: If it wasn't for that meddling work ethic of yours

Evan Kessler: indeed, but I figured 5:58 was a good time to catch you off guard

Jason Haitkin: Especially since you said it was 5:59 and claimed to be from the future

Evan Kessler: anyway, i have to go. Note to self, whenever doing a guerrilla interview, make sure to have time to do the interview
Jason Haitkin: right
Jason Haitkin: till next time