The Nectar of the gods is no match for the iron palate of Ms. Jill GJust a little background on Jill up there. She works in casting on the west coast. Her Friendster profile says so. I met Jill like I met so many people in college, at the University Union office. She was an impressionable underclass(wo)men member of UUTV and I was the senior co-coordinator of UU Concerts. We spent many a day conversing on the couch of the UU office and making fun of videos on CTN by such acts as Canadian white pop soul stalwarts Souldecision as well as the Barenaked Ladies, Nine Days, and Three Doors Down. This was the soul basis of our friendship and our bond was a strong one. One day, I graduated from Syracuse University and moved to New York, leaving me to wonder what would become of this friendship built on the premise of ridicule. When Jill graduated all that remained of the time we spent together was an IM name and the magic of technology’s ability to connect people instantly whilst being miles away. It is that technology that brought us to today, September 15th 2005. When I first IM’d Jill this afternoon it was with only the intention of asking what she was up to, as I was sitting bored at home. After the first few sentences I realized that this conversation had guerrilla interview potential, so I went for the jugular. Was it worth it? I think it was, but I’ll allow you, the readers of evankessler.com to be the judge of that. Now without further ado, the return of the evankessler.com guerrilla interview.
Evan Kessler: Hello. I noticed you're online. I'm online too
Jill G: We have something in common. How are you?
EK: I am okay.
JG: Where are you?
EK: I’m in cyberspace. Creepy right?
JG: Voyeur.
EK: I'm watching you type, you're using your hands, I can see everything.
JG: How did you know !!??
EK: Help me out here for a second...If I'm referring to myself in the third person, that means I'm saying my name right?
JG: Yes.
JG: Like, Jill loves to eat sushi.
JG: Mmm, does Jill love that sushi.
EK: How does it feel to be such a grammarian?
JG: Amazingly enlightened.
EK: Where is Grammaria?
JG: Somewhere just north of Saskatchewan. It’s a bit cold there, but nice nonetheless.
EK: Is it next to that new Canadian province of Nunnavut.
JG: Yes. You know the area.
EK: Lots of Eskimos….or Inuits sorry, that’s politically incorrect of me.
JG: I think they like to be called “little people”. Haha.
EK: Is that where little people come from? I don’t mean to offend any little people who may be reading this. Is that where midgets come from?
JG: Yes, midgets not lilliputians. People often confuse the two.
EK: Good, I’m glad we’ve got that straightened out.
JG: One sec… ok sorry. Apparently I have work to do. So I’ve gots to go.
EK: Have you ever played pinochle?
JG: Oh my god, we were just talking about this last night. What are the chances that twice in 24 hours, Pinochle is brought up?
EK: Pretty good, pinochle is all the rage?
JG: Is it making a comeback? Oh no, have to go. Ok, bye.
EK: I’ve never played but I was wondering if you could summarize the rules in one sentence.
(at this point Jill signed off and I had left the interview for dead. Several hours later after dinner I noticed that Jill was online again and made my move to finish what I had started.)
EK: I was wondering if you could summarize the rules of pinochle in one sentence or more or less.
JG: Actually I have no idea how to play.
EK: That’s good enough for me.
JG: I was actually wondering if YOU could summarize the rules.
EK: There’s a deck of cards and you play pinochle.
JG: And there are no cards with numbers except for 10’s. That’s all I know.
EK: That’s more than I know. There. We’ve satisfied our relentless thirst for the rules and regulations of pinochle.
JG:I believe that pinochle is a game invented by westerners- a liberated, democratic game…in which you are given two card options, red and black…and are forced to choose among them and whoever ends up with the Ace of Spades, wins.
EK: I think this is too much information.
JG:…unless of course the Ace of Diamonds is voted in, in which case you win. Go tit?
EK: I want to know on a more abstract level.
JG: Haha. Got tit? I meant to say got it?
EK: Yes I have two. I got it.
JG: Maybe you have mine then. They’ve been missing for years.
EK: That’s fascinating. Do you mind if I use your friendster photo in a non-friendster related way?
JG: What for? Which one?
EK: Wait, before we get to that, How has evankessler.com changed your life?
JG: The one where I look like white trash, or the other one where I look like white trash?
EK: Either or, but answer the question I just asked.
JG: I have actually checked myself into rehab and adopted two Nigerian children as a result of evankessler.com. But I have also killed two innocent people for no good reason but, you know, life isn’t perfect.
EK: That is inspiring and frightening at the same time.
JG: So what do you want to use my Friendster picture for?
EK: For this.
JG: Oh, testimonials?
EK: wait for it…
EK: wait for it…
JG: I’m WAITING.
EK: (in huge print, accidentally) Thank you for taking part in the www.evankessler.com Guerilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.
EK: Sorry I have no idea what I just did.
JG: I believe you just sent me an ad, a rudimentary one at that.
EK: Indeed, but an ad nonetheless
JG: But I have enjoyed your interview nonetheless.
EK: Well thank you, it’s been about a year since I’ve done one and I feared I’d be rusty. However, perhaps I was at the top of my game because you did not suspect for a second despite all of my bizarre inquiries on pinochle.
JG: Actually, I believe I may have been the victim of a previous guerrilla interview.
EK: By who? When?
JG: You wouldn’t know him unless you were friends with my previous crack dealer.
EK: Fair enough. Well this has been simply lovely. This is where we can end the interview but we can talk normally from this point on.
JG: Wait, you ended the interview with my crack dealer?
THE END
If you’ve missed the previous www.evankessler.com guerrilla interviews with Michael Haigh, Poingly, Lauren H, or Adam Starling, just click on their name and you will be whisked away to the magical world of their respective archived guerrilla interviews.
Also if you would like to know the likes and dislikes of Marissa B click on her name and you will be immersed in the wonder that is Marissa (this is currently a defunct link but I’m thinking about covertly sneaking it back on unbeknownst to Ms. B)
